My New Favoritest Candidate Ever

I know I condem almost every politician on the face of the planet but I think I’ve finally found a candidate who speaks to me. Everybody, I present to you Lynne Torgerson, the single most bat shit crazy politician yet spawned from this glorious state of Minnesota. Her blog is a veritable comedy gold mine, made even better by the fact she’s serious. What’s that you say? Why did I think she was anything but serious? Because her listed positions and statements are so out there that I assumed she was running as a joke candidate, one who was trying to demonstrate the sheer absurdity of the neocon platform by taking it to its maximum potential. My assumption was incorrect though, she’s not trying to use reductio ad absurdum to demonstrate the sheer idiocy of neocons, she actually believes this stuff! Let me pull an exert from her blog post:

I have realized something lately . . . If Conservatives do not stand up for the right values, who will? No one, that is who. Therefore, we must. We must stand up for the right values, and, we must do so for the rest of our lives. If we don’t, there is no one who will. And then, our values will not be represented in the United States. And, it is our values that have made America great. Therefore, we must fight to keep our values ruling and reigning. They have given us all of the freedoms under which we live. We lived in the most blessed Country on earth. We are the best, safest, most free, and most prosperous Country on earth.

What values is she speaking of? Is it free enterprise? Is it individual liberty? I’m not sure, but I can tell you what she doesn’t think are American values:

We also need to keep Ron Paul Libertarians out of the Republican Party! It appears that they are trying to take over my district, and perhaps the Minnesota Republican State Party. I have been told that there is a majority of delegates in my district who are Libertarians! We cannot let this happen. Libertarians are PROGRESSIVES! For example, they say they:

Want to get rid of the Patriot Act!
Want to get rid of the TSA!
Don’t want to support our friend and ally Israel!
Want to legalize illegal drugs
Want to legalize prostitution
Bring all the troops home
They are anti-war
Don’t want to prevent a nuclear Iran
Won’t protect the life of the unborn with legislation
Are pro gay rights

What? These are PROGRESSIVE positions. They have no business in the Republican Party. And, now, one of them is challenging me for the Republican endorsement.

Due process isn’t an American value, which is why real conservatives support the PATRIOT Act! The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) are fucking heros and we absolutely need them! I’m not kidding, just ask her:

We need the TSA and to fund it. Of course we need to fund the TSA. We need the TSA. That is beyond question. Also, it performs police like functions. These are typically funded by the gov’t. Rand Paul has it wrong. Why is just trying to stir up trouble? The Pauls act like they are funded by George Soros.

The Pauls are acting like they are funded by the same George Soros who is profitting greatly from the TSA body scanners!!!!! [extra exclamation marks added for effect and a demonstration of sincerity]

Seriously though, we should be downright grateful to those who sexually molest everybody from the youngest child to the oldest adult:

We should be grateful to the TSA, who protects us day in and day out . . . we shouldn’t want to get rid of it.

Speaking of real conservative values, opposing war isn’t one of them! We need war! If we don’t blow up the brown people in the Middle East who will? Those bastard libertarians want to live peacefully and oppose the initiation of violence! Thank God in Heaven Lynne Torgerson is here to ensure our country continues killing people! After all, what would a great empire be if we didn’t go around killing people?

That’s not even the worst problem America faces, not by a long shot:

We must oppose gay rights legislation. If we do not have a strong moral foundation, it does not matter what economic policy you put on top of it, it will crumble. That is part of what is wrong with this Country today . . . our moral foundation is crumbling.

Those damned gays are ruining our economy!

The gays aren’t our only problem, we also have a bonafide terrorist sympathizer representing the 5^th Congressional District of Minnesota right now:

And, we shall eventually win in this district, against radical Islamist Keith Ellison. I am in this for the long haul.

Keith Ellison is a radical Islamist. What is a radical Islamist? A radical Islamist is someone who wants to have Sharia Law supreme in the United States, and will use political means or terror, to accomplish that goal. Keith Ellison, when asked, refuses to say that our cherished US Constitution should remain supreme over Sharia Law. He also recently said that the US will eventually have no borders. Well, if the US has no borders, there is no United States of America! What an anti-American thing for a sitting US Congressman to say.

It’s true, just read through all the citations she… um… doesn’t provide… but are true damn it!!!!! [again, extra exclamation marks tossed in to show the serious nature of her claim] It gets worse, he also funds terrorism:

Keith Ellison is also tied to CAIR, the Council on American Islamic Relations, which has been a named co-conspirator to funding terrorism, in the Holy Land Foundation Trial, which resulted in convictions for sending $12,000,000.00 to the terrorist organization Hamas. Keith Ellison is the keynote speaker for CAIR annual dinners. CAIR also helps Keith Ellison raise campaign funds. So, we have a sitting Congressman who helps a named co-conspirator to funding terrorism raise funds!

My god, we have an islamist terrorist extremist in Congress and we don’t even realize it! Why hasn’t this man been brought up on charges of treason? This is unacceptable! I bet he’s also in league with those gays who are ruining our economy! I know we’ve covered a lot, so let me remind you of her strong held true conservative values:

To remind you, I am a true conservative who will adhere strictly to being a proponent of:

America the Beautiful

Strong Homeland Security

Pro-Life

Traditional Marriage

Israel

Cutting Spending

A 10% Tax Rate

A Balanced Budget

Our cherished US Constitution

Fighting Radical Islamism

Individual Responsibility

America the Beautiful, it’s not just a song, it’s a mother fucking value! Lynne is also pro-life as hell… unless you’re a brown person living in the Middle East, but then you’re obviously a extremists islamist terrorist Muslim so you don’t count!

Of course no neocon advocate is done until they’ve pulled out the word patriot a few times:

Patriots need to keep their businesses in the US, and employ US workers.

So, my fellow Patriots, I’m turning to YOU to help me defeat Keith Ellison and the Ron Paul Libertarians.

Your generous contribution will bring my campaign that much closer to unseating Ellison and installing a devoted patriot into Congress.

P.S. To be sure we are better positioned for victory against this radical incumbent, we will need sacrifice and participation from fellow patriots like YOU.

She’s super serious, look, she used the word patriot four times! Four mother fucking times! How much more patriotic could one possibly get? Shit, she’s the most patriotic patriot that’s every been a patriotic patriot!

My fellow Americans, our mission is clear, so clear that it could only have been delivered by God himself. We much elected Lynne Torgerson less our nation fall at the hands of radical gay libertarian islamist extremist terrorists! She, and she alone, is our only hope! Without her we will not have a steady flow of LULZ patriotism protecting this fine nation! She even has something for you greenies out there:

Lynne Torgerson the only true conservative in this race supports individual responsibility, free market solutions, balancing the budget, cutting spending, peace through strength, is pro life, 1 man 1 woman marriage, fighting radical Islamism, pro Israel, pro women’s rights, greenish on environment and food.

Emphasis mine. She’s greenish! Sure it’s not green but it’s close enough for government work! I do have to contact her campaign though, she’s using some improper verbiage. It’s not peace through strength, it’s peace through power:

I would also have accepted strength through unity:

I’m sorry, I have to stop now. My sides are hurting from all the laughing I’ve been doing at the sheer absurdity of her campaign literature and blog posts. I can hardly breathe! In fact I hope, nay, I pray she never takes down her site because it’s one of the largest sources of comedy I’ve found on the Internet. It’s like she wants to point out the absurdity of the Republican Party but doesn’t realize she wants to do it, yet is doing it.