Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
I just want it stated for the record that if I ever have a kid I want him or her to be like this kid:
The history that is taught to children today leaves out all of the good parts. For instance, the Founding Fathers weren’t law abiding citizens of the British Crown, they were law breakers who became sick of Britain’s shit. Needless to say this video does a better job of portraying the Founding Fathers (and Abraham Lincoln, I’m not sure how he received the title of Founding Father but I don’t care) than any history book I’ve read:
One of the unfortunate facts in any society is that there are always a few violent psychopaths. Fortunately our society has developed a relatively effective means for the good people in society to protect themselves from the violent psychopaths. The most important aspect in any defensive situation is awareness, you must be able to identify a potential attacker. If you’re able to identify your potential attack soon enough you can usually avoid them entirely.
To facilitate identification and, hopefully, avoidance our society has taken as many violent psychopaths as can be identified and issued them special costumes and badges. Upon seeing an individual wearing one of these official costumes and badge you should do whatever is in your power to avoid contact. If you are unable to avoid contact there is a high probability that one of these violent psychopaths will attack you with a blunt weapon, electrical discharge device, or a firearm. They are also prone to firing upon canines so take extra precautions when walking your dog.
For agens now the Onion has been one of the best known satire newspapers. It seems that they have decided to do some legitimate news pieces:
HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports, millions of viewers across the country are expected to tune in to tonight’s town-hall-style presidential debate at Hofstra University in order to determine which complete and utter sociopath they find more likable this time around.
“I’m very curious to see which one of these two clinically sociopathic individuals will present the most convincing and authentic approximation of an actual human conscience tonight,” said Cincinnati-area voter Miranda Harrick, 40, adding that both candidates, like all successful politicians, were undeniably skilled at such calculated artifice. “I think whoever is able to best manipulate me into thinking they experience normative emotional states such as empathy and regret will probably have my vote come November, so I’m excited to see what happens.”
This election has boiled down to decide which sociopath appeals to you more. Do you want a blood thirsty war monger or a blood thirsty war monger?
Apparently Facebook has a difficult time telling the Massachusetts colony’s barbaric treatment of Quakers and Democrats apart:
It’s a pretty easy mistake to make.
I’m sure everybody is aware of my distain for authority and especially political figures. I can happily say that I’ve finally found a politician that I can support, Stubbs the cat:
TALKEETNA, Alaska — A cat named Stubbs has been the mayor of Talkeetna for nearly all of his life — no joke.
It’s been that way for more than a decade in the small tourist town that boasts nearly 900 residents.
As the story goes, 15 years ago several of the town residents didn’t like the candidates who were running for mayor of Talkeetna, so as a joke, they encouraged enough people to elect Stubbs the cat as a write-in candidate, and he actually won.
Now, thanks to Stubbs, local tour guides have a little fun with the thousands of tourists who come through the town each summer.
A small mammal that generally keeps to itself, is incapable of using force to coerce you into actions you don’t want to take (seriously, if a cat can coerce you then you’ve got issues), and eats rodents that periodically attempt to damage your property and pilfer you food, what’s not to like? On top of that he also boosts tourism so is actually brining money to the community (as opposed to take it from the community as most mayors do). It is my hope that more municipalities will find wisdom in the actions of Talkeetna, Alaska and vote cats into political office.
Apparently Obama doesn’t get enough of his bloodlust fulfilled by killing people overseas and has moved on to killing people in the United States:
A restaurant owner who served US President Barack Obama breakfast on a campaign stop has died hours later.
Yes, I was being sarcastic… I think.
Get you name on the Do Not Kill Registry before Obama puts it on his kill list. Just keep in mind that getting on the Do Not Kill Registry does not guarantee you’ll be spared by the war monger currently occupying the White House:
Disclaimer: Adding your name to the ‘Do Not Kill’ Registry does not guarantee that you will not be the target of a drone strike but only that an additional review process will be undertaken before you are labeled an enemy militant and added to the national kill list.
Via Truthdig comes a very harsh but succinct comic:
Obama has a fancy little kill list where he can put the names of people he doesn’t like and they will be struck down by a drone whenever a pilot gets around to it. Considering Obama has ordered the deaths of two American citizens it’s apparent that there needs to be some kind of protection, perhaps a Do Not Kill list:
The New York Times reports that President Obama has created an official “kill list” that he uses to personally order the assassination of American citizens. Considering that the government already has a “Do Not Call” list and a “No Fly” list, we hereby request that the White House create a “Do Not Kill” list in which American citizens can sign up to avoid being put on the president’s “kill list” and therefore avoid being executed without indictment, judge, jury, trial or due process of law.
Go sign the petition. Yes, it will be entirely ignored but it would be hilarious to read the White House’s response to it.