A Geek With Guns

Discount security adviser to the proles.

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Comrade Seal

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Are you with us, Comrade Landlubber? If not, I will escort you to our gulag under the sea.

comrade-landlubber

Written by Christopher Burg

July 29th, 2016 at 10:00 am

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The B-Team

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In 2016 a wannabe commando unit was sent to a holding cell by a civilian judge to stand trial for a crime they did commit. These men promptly escaped from jail to the New York City underground by posting bail. Today, still wanted by the police, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can’t afford anybody better, maybe you can hire the B-Team.

John Cramsey’s 20-year-old daughter died from a heroin overdose four months earlier in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

He and two friends Dean Smith and Kimberly Arendt were stopped by police for driving with a cracked windscreen.

They told the arresting police officers that they were a group of vigilantes on their way to rescue a teenage girl.

I know this story is going to raise a lot of question. For starters, how did the police identify this crack commando team? Obviously they went to great lengths to be as inconspicuous as possible…

b-team-truck

Nothing says inconspicuous like a truck with neon green tastelessly plastered all over a truck. The target reticle painted on the side is a nice touch as well. I’m sure you’re wondering what the B-Team’s load out was.

A camouflage helmet, seven guns including rifles, and knives were recovered from the car, as well as cannabis, body armour and 2,000 rounds of ammunition.

2,000 rounds of ammunition? I bet they were planning on using discount Mini-14s (Is there a discount Mini-14? Maybe, like, a Hi-Point carbine or something?) and didn’t plan to hit anything they shot at.

Written by Christopher Burg

June 24th, 2016 at 10:30 am

Your Rocket Surgeon Of The Day

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If you’re going to attempt to rob a bank via a threatening note, you might want to check the other side of the paper you’re using:

One side of the note given to a bank employee demanded $5,000 to $10,000 and indicated the robber had a gun and explosives, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The other side of the note contained medical appointment information for a 1-year-old — the child of Jason David Ricci, 26.

I think a slow clap is appropriate here.

Written by Christopher Burg

June 1st, 2016 at 10:00 am

A Complete Lack Of Self-Awareness

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Read the following quote:

There is no liberal version of Breitbart, or The Drudge Report, or Fox News.

Then realized it came from Salon.

Written by Christopher Burg

March 18th, 2016 at 10:00 am

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I Guess The ATF Will Sell Guns To Colorado Now

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A lot of statists are unhappy about Colorado legalizing cannabis. In fact a couple of Republican attorneys general have gone so far as to call Colorado a drug cartel:

WASHINGTON — Oklahoma and Nebraska compared Colorado to a drug cartel on Wednesday and again urged the Supreme Court to let them sue their neighbor over its marijuana production and distribution system.

In sharply written arguments, the two states said Colorado “has created a massive criminal enterprise whose sole purpose is to authorize and facilitate the manufacture, distribution, sale and use of marijuana.”

“The State of Colorado authorizes, oversees, protects and profits from a sprawling $100 million per-month marijuana growing, processing and retailing organization that exported thousands of pounds of marijuana to some 36 States in 2014,” the states’ new brief says.

“If this entity were based south of our border, the federal government would prosecute it as a drug cartel.”

Does that mean the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) will now give guns to Colorado citizens?

Written by Christopher Burg

January 12th, 2016 at 11:00 am

Once In A While Facebook Has Your Back

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I have an extremely dark sense of humor. That is why the first thing that crossed my mind when I read this:

Authorities discovered the body of a man attached underneath the ice Monday afternoon in a channel between Lake of the Isles and Lake Calhoun.

Was this:

When I admitted this on Facebook the magical suggestion algorithm gave me this:

which-metallica-song-describes-your-life

A more perfect punchline could not be made by an army of the world’s best comedians. I haven’t laughed so hard for so long in ages.

Written by Christopher Burg

January 6th, 2016 at 10:00 am

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Totally Justified

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File this story under totally justified actions:

A man in Madison, Wisconsin, was arrested after he threw a beer bottle at a bartender who changed music in the bar from Black Sabbath to a Christmas tune, according to police.

I really can’t find fault with the man’s actions.

Written by Christopher Burg

January 4th, 2016 at 10:30 am

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My Review Of Star Wars: The Force Awakens (With Spoilers)

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I’m just fucking with you.

Written by Christopher Burg

December 18th, 2015 at 8:00 am

Sometimes I Wonder About All Of You

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I’m sure a lot of you have seen that video of the bear busting up a kayak and getting pepper sprayed in the face. If you haven’t, watch it before continuing on:

This video came to my attention because several gunnies were posting it and saying variations of, “This is why I carry a gun, not pepper spray.” After watching the video though I can’t help but side with the bear.

When the video starts the bear has ceased its initial assault on the lady’s kayak. We can only assume the lady was yelling at the bear to stop and it complied. Anyways the bear is obviously coming over to say, “Hey, ma’am, sorry about that. I didn’t know it was your kayak,” only to get pepper sprayed in the face. Of course the bear backs away and is all like, “Whoa, crazy lady! What the fuck?” Then little miss hysterical tells the bear to, “Come here!” The bear, not being an idiot like the lady, keeps its distance. After thinking things over for a bit it seems to say, “You know what? Fuck you and fuck your kayak.” The bear then goes back to beating on the kayak. When the lady screams, “Why are you breaking my kayak,” I can only imagine the bear is responding with, “Because you pepper sprayed me in the goddamn face!”

I’m sorry, but the bear is totally in the right on this one. Admittedly it was doing something wrong but it stopped when told to only to be pepper sprayed for it. If anybody was the aggressor here it’s the lady.

Written by Christopher Burg

October 2nd, 2015 at 10:00 am

A Surprising Change

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It’s not often the actions of politicians surprise me but I was admittedly caught off-guard by this:

A Dakota County sheriff’s deputy allegedly caught two Minnesota lawmakers “making out” in a parked car last week, according to law enforcement reports and court records, but the lawmakers say that accusation is “completely false” and a “lie.”

State Rep. Tim Kelly, R-Red Wing, and Rep. Tara Mack, R-Apple Valley, were issued citations for causing a nuisance on Aug. 25.

The two, who are married to other people, were in Lebanon Hills Regional Park in Eagan when they were allegedly spotted by the officer ‘making out’ in a parked car about 4:30 p.m., according to documents. The officer’s notes claim Mack was half undressed when he approached the vehicle.

I wasn’t expecting to hear about a Republican representative being caught in a park screwing around with a woman. Around these parts they’re usually caught in an airport bathroom screwing around with another man.

Written by Christopher Burg

September 3rd, 2015 at 10:00 am

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