Archive for the ‘Random Funny Shit’ tag
It’s nice to know there are still forces out there willing and able to challenge the State’s revenue generators. Police officers in Scotland apparently learned that demons don’t care about their truncheons or guns:
A mother and her teenage son were said to be “extremely distressed” after experiencing what the Daily Record describes as “violent and unexplained circumstances”.
The family, who live in South Lanarkshire, called police on Monday and Tuesday.
“The officers attended expecting it to be a mental health issue but they witnessed the lights going off, clothes flying across the room and the dog [the family’s pet Chihuahua] sitting on top of a hedge,” a police source said.
“The officers called their superiors, who also attended, thinking the cops were perhaps being a bit silly. But it’s being taken very seriously.”
A priest is understood to have blessed the house in Rutherglen after officers got in touch with the Catholic Church.
Perhaps I’ve been playing Doom wrong all along. Instead of slaughtering demons it may be beneficially to encourage their presence on this planet to challenge the power of the State. Granted, the demons would probably want to establish their own government but once they’ve taken care of the current governments we could exorcise them back to Hell. At this point I’m willing to entertain any ideas for eradicating statism.
I’m sure you’ve read about people advocating “passive resistance” instead of fighting back. These people make ridiculous recommendations like telling a woman to pee her pants if she’s being raped and kidnap victims to be compliant so they don’t get hurt. Fuck them and fuck their advice. If you’re being attacked fight back and fight hard.
The rider of the white horse comes forth to deliver judgement:
At least a dozen California GOP staff members at the Republican National Convention have been quarantined in their hotel rooms after becoming ill with what appears to be a highly contagious norovirus, also known as the cruise-ship virus, according to officials from both the California GOP and local health agencies.
In 2016 a wannabe commando unit was sent to a holding cell by a civilian judge to stand trial for a crime they did commit. These men promptly escaped from jail to the New York City underground by posting bail. Today, still wanted by the police, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can’t afford anybody better, maybe you can hire the B-Team.
John Cramsey’s 20-year-old daughter died from a heroin overdose four months earlier in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
He and two friends Dean Smith and Kimberly Arendt were stopped by police for driving with a cracked windscreen.
They told the arresting police officers that they were a group of vigilantes on their way to rescue a teenage girl.
I know this story is going to raise a lot of question. For starters, how did the police identify this crack commando team? Obviously they went to great lengths to be as inconspicuous as possible…
Nothing says inconspicuous like a truck with neon green tastelessly plastered all over a truck. The target reticle painted on the side is a nice touch as well. I’m sure you’re wondering what the B-Team’s load out was.
A camouflage helmet, seven guns including rifles, and knives were recovered from the car, as well as cannabis, body armour and 2,000 rounds of ammunition.
2,000 rounds of ammunition? I bet they were planning on using discount Mini-14s (Is there a discount Mini-14? Maybe, like, a Hi-Point carbine or something?) and didn’t plan to hit anything they shot at.
If you’re going to attempt to rob a bank via a threatening note, you might want to check the other side of the paper you’re using:
One side of the note given to a bank employee demanded $5,000 to $10,000 and indicated the robber had a gun and explosives, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The other side of the note contained medical appointment information for a 1-year-old — the child of Jason David Ricci, 26.
I think a slow clap is appropriate here.
Read the following quote:
There is no liberal version of Breitbart, or The Drudge Report, or Fox News.
Then realized it came from Salon.
I try to avoid politics but I’m a sucker for free ponies and time travel technology, both of which are platforms for the only presidential candidate that matters, Vermin Supreme. It brings me great joy to say that we’re closer to free ponies and time travel than ever before! Vermin Supreme was in 4th place for the Democratic Party in New Hampshire!
While other politicians were looking for photo opportunities the future overlord of Earth was busy debating one of the lesser presidential candidates:
But that’s exactly what happened to Ted Cruz, whose pit stop was interrupted by his fellow presidential candidate Vermin Supreme, who had some choice words for Cruz that he delivered with a megaphone.
For starters Supreme, who has pledged to give every American a pony, grilled Cruz on whether waterboarding water should be fluoridated and demanded that the candidate come out with his “hands up” and his “pants down.”
Supreme also asked Cruz “Why do you hate America?” before posing perhaps the most salient question of all to prospective voters:
“Will Ted Cruz give you a pony?”
Here Vermin pointed out one of the things that annoys me about the lesser presidential candidates, their unwillingness to discuss important issues. Not one of the other candidates has stated their position on fluoridating water used in waterboarding. Do they believe prisoners have a right to strong teeth or not? We have no idea because none of them have stated their position on their critical matter.
Ted Cruz has also never stated a willingness to transition the United States to a pony based economy, which leads to wonder why he does hate America so much. Fortunately Vermin Supreme is willing to fight the good fight and address the matters that actually impact our everyday lives.
I have an extremely dark sense of humor. That is why the first thing that crossed my mind when I read this:
Authorities discovered the body of a man attached underneath the ice Monday afternoon in a channel between Lake of the Isles and Lake Calhoun.
When I admitted this on Facebook the magical suggestion algorithm gave me this:
A more perfect punchline could not be made by an army of the world’s best comedians. I haven’t laughed so hard for so long in ages.