A Geek With Guns

Discount security adviser to the proles.

Archive for the ‘Random Funny Shit’ tag

Totally Justified

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File this story under totally justified actions:

A man in Madison, Wisconsin, was arrested after he threw a beer bottle at a bartender who changed music in the bar from Black Sabbath to a Christmas tune, according to police.

I really can’t find fault with the man’s actions.

Written by Christopher Burg

January 4th, 2016 at 10:30 am

Posted in Humor

Tagged with ,

Stupid Hurts

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I take a great deal of solace in knowing that a lot of people are too stupid to successfully pull off any kind of meaningful attack:

WHEATFIELD, NY – The U.S. Attorney’s Office revealed new information Wednesday, regarding the investigation of a Wheatfield man accused of making and possessing homemade bombs.

The new information, was geared to persuade a federal judge that Michael O’Neill, should be detained in federal facility and not allowed to seek bail or bond.

O’Neill is accused of making at least seven bombs at his home. Two weeks ago, one of the explosives inadvertently went off inside the garage. O’Neill was the only one injured and was taken to ECMC where his left leg was amputated. He’s been there ever since.

Prosecutors are claiming Nazi, Confederacy, and Ku Klux Klan paraphernalia were found in his home, which they’re probably using to insinuate he’s a dangerous man but to me show he’s probably just an idiot. On the upside, if he did have any malicious intent it doesn’t matter since the only person he managed to hurt with his homemade bombs was himself.

Of course his survival ensures he is disqualified from receiving a Darwin Award.

Written by Christopher Burg

December 10th, 2015 at 10:00 am

It’s Called A Legacy Of Ashes For A Reason

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John Brennan, the director of the ironically named Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), had his personal e-mail account breached, supposedly by a 13 year-old. You might not think the personal e-mail account of a government stooge would contain much interesting information but the dummy forwarded a lot of e-mail from his CIA e-mail account! Wikileaks was good enough to post his e-mails for our amusement.

Some may find it odd that a 13 year-old could social engineer the director of the CIA. But anybody who has read Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA knows that it’s titled Legacy of Ashes for a reason. The history of the CIA is the history of failure. Brennan’s failure to keep his work and personal e-mail separate and no be outwitted by a 13 year-old are just another chapter in the agency’s long, proud history of failing. In fact this failure isn’t even a blip on the radar, which includes such gems as the Bay of Pigs Invasion.

I look forward to the dirty secrets that are gleamed from this leak and the butthurt that will inevitably emanate from neocons who will cry about this leak being damaging to national security or some other such nonsense.

Written by Christopher Burg

October 22nd, 2015 at 10:00 am

Sometimes I Wonder About All Of You

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I’m sure a lot of you have seen that video of the bear busting up a kayak and getting pepper sprayed in the face. If you haven’t, watch it before continuing on:

This video came to my attention because several gunnies were posting it and saying variations of, “This is why I carry a gun, not pepper spray.” After watching the video though I can’t help but side with the bear.

When the video starts the bear has ceased its initial assault on the lady’s kayak. We can only assume the lady was yelling at the bear to stop and it complied. Anyways the bear is obviously coming over to say, “Hey, ma’am, sorry about that. I didn’t know it was your kayak,” only to get pepper sprayed in the face. Of course the bear backs away and is all like, “Whoa, crazy lady! What the fuck?” Then little miss hysterical tells the bear to, “Come here!” The bear, not being an idiot like the lady, keeps its distance. After thinking things over for a bit it seems to say, “You know what? Fuck you and fuck your kayak.” The bear then goes back to beating on the kayak. When the lady screams, “Why are you breaking my kayak,” I can only imagine the bear is responding with, “Because you pepper sprayed me in the goddamn face!”

I’m sorry, but the bear is totally in the right on this one. Admittedly it was doing something wrong but it stopped when told to only to be pepper sprayed for it. If anybody was the aggressor here it’s the lady.

Written by Christopher Burg

October 2nd, 2015 at 10:00 am

Statism Is Mutually Assured Destruction

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The Art Of Not Being Governed posted what may possibly be the most succinct description of statism every created.

i-m-a-statist

Every argument for statism can be boiled down to, “If I have to live under the shitty rule of tyrants then by God so will everybody else!”

Written by Christopher Burg

September 16th, 2015 at 10:00 am

A Surprising Change

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It’s not often the actions of politicians surprise me but I was admittedly caught off-guard by this:

A Dakota County sheriff’s deputy allegedly caught two Minnesota lawmakers “making out” in a parked car last week, according to law enforcement reports and court records, but the lawmakers say that accusation is “completely false” and a “lie.”

State Rep. Tim Kelly, R-Red Wing, and Rep. Tara Mack, R-Apple Valley, were issued citations for causing a nuisance on Aug. 25.

The two, who are married to other people, were in Lebanon Hills Regional Park in Eagan when they were allegedly spotted by the officer ‘making out’ in a parked car about 4:30 p.m., according to documents. The officer’s notes claim Mack was half undressed when he approached the vehicle.

I wasn’t expecting to hear about a Republican representative being caught in a park screwing around with a woman. Around these parts they’re usually caught in an airport bathroom screwing around with another man.

Written by Christopher Burg

September 3rd, 2015 at 10:00 am

Posted in Humor

Tagged with , ,

Bring Back Trials By Ordeal And Trials By Combat

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Jeffry Tucker wrote an entertaining piece advocating for different ways to judge political candidates. I wholeheartedly agree that we need to find new ways of judging political candidates because rhetoric and philosophy are so lacking in the modern political sphere that using them as judging metrics is futile. Us Americans can’t even enjoy the witty banter people in Britain are fortunate enough to experience.

Because Ticker is nice he proposed things like spelling bees, Mario Kart competitions, beer pong, and hackathons. I, on the other hand, am a bit more ruthless. Here’s a question for everybody reading this, did any of you watch Thunderdome, The Running Man, or Death Race and think the bloody competitions they portrayed would make excellent alternatives to voting for selecting politicians? I did, which is why I propose bringing back trail by ordeal for judging politicians and trial by combat for choosing which ones get put into office.

Let’s face it, elections are pointless this day and age, especially for the presidential election. Look at all of the currently announced presidential candidates. They’re shit. Not one of them is fit to lead a lemming over a cliff (that’s not to say I wouldn’t like to see them try) let alone a nation. Is anybody excited about heading to the polls to cast a vote for Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders, or Hillary Clinton? I’m sure somebody is but almost everybody I have talked to has aligned themselves with the candidate they think sucks slightly less than the others.

Now ask yourself, would you like to see each candidate be submitted to a trial of boiling water, where they must each reach into a kettle of boiling water to retrieve a stone? How about an ordeal of fire where each candidate is required to walk, say, 100 yards (because no other country uses the length of a football field as a standard unit of measurement) over hot coals? If you answered “No,” I know you’re either the candidates themselves or you’re lying. Screw the caucus system. Trail by ordeal would be the perfect way to select each party’s presidential nominee.

After the nominees have been selected we could move to trail by combat. Who wouldn’t want to see Ted Cruz or Donald Trump in a cage match against Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton? Maybe we could setup a Thunderdome and give supporters one final chance to support their preferred candidate by handing them weapons. We could even pay-per-view the event to help pay down the national deficit!

I honestly see no reason trials by ordeal and trials by combat wouldn’t work just as well as elections for choosing politicians. In fact it’s a far superior method since we wouldn’t subjected to losers constantly trying to run again (who isn’t sick of seeing Huckabee run). And third parties would stand a fair chance of winning. See? It’s a win-win.

Written by Christopher Burg

July 24th, 2015 at 11:00 am

I’m Available For Performing Electronic Exorcisms

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As many of you know I’m a discordian pope. In addition to that I’m also an ordained minister by the Universal Life Church Monastery. With rock solid credentials like that I’m totally getting into the electronic exorcism business:

But if you truly think your electronics have been invaded by an evil spirit, there’s someone who will take your call — Reverend Joey Talley — a Wiccan witch from the San Francisco Bay Area who claims to solve supernatural issues for techies.

[…]

“Most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks,” she told SF Weekly. “So I’ll make charms for them. I like to use flora.” And when there are problems in office hardware, Talley turns to “Jet,” a black stone that serves to block energy. In extreme cases, she casts protection spells of her own over the entire company.

[…]

Talley’s services do not come cheap. She charges $200 an hour (though a phone consultation is free).

For $200.00 per hour — hell, for $100.00 per hour I’ll exorcise the daemons from your systems (at least the daemons that aren’t supposed to be there). My e-mail address is to the right of this post, feel free to contact me for your free exorcism estimate!

Written by Christopher Burg

July 21st, 2015 at 10:30 am

Brilliant Troll is Brilliant

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I love a good gag. You should think the prevalence of trolls on the Internet would result in an endless stream of hilarious gags but, sadly, it doesn’t. It seems a large number of Internet trolls prefer to just be assholes. Thankfully there are still some old school trolls out there in meatspace performing some amazing pranks:

This guy is a legend. Just a God and hero among men. Mark Gubin is an artist and photographer in Milwaukee and decades ago he realized that his studio was along the flight path to the local airport. He had the brilliant idea to paint on the roof of his studio in giant letters “Welcome To Cleveland.” Why? To mess with people mostly.

The sign is decades old, and is having new life today after being passed around Twitter. For years the sign has caused passengers on planes to freak out about going to the wrong place. There apparently was a Denver to Cleveland flight that stopped over in Milwaukee and the sign caused all sorts of confusion from passengers who thought the plane must have skipped the layover.

You, good sir, are a true hero.

Written by Christopher Burg

June 16th, 2015 at 10:00 am

The Eschaton Has Been Immanentized

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Michelle Bachmann has good news for us all. The Eschaton has been immanentized! That’s right, Jesus is coming back:

Former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) predicted in a recent interview that President Barack Obama’s handling of the Middle East was a sign of the End Times and that Jesus Christ would soon return to Earth.

[…]

But even though Bachmann lamented that Barack Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran was “pro the goals of Islamic jihad,” she said that the coming End Times were a reason to celebrate.

“These are not fearful times, these are the most exciting days in history,” she insisted. “Talk about what you see in the newspaper. We can talk about God’s time clock and the fact that Jesus Christ’s return is imminent. Is there anything more important to talk about?”

Jesus is coming back and Obama is responsible. Thanks, Obama! As A Geek With Guns exclusive I’ve also obtained a photograph of behind the scenes of the Iranian nuclear negotiations:

immanentize-the-eschaton

Written by Christopher Burg

April 16th, 2015 at 10:00 am