A Geek With Guns

Discount security adviser to the proles.

Archive for the ‘Random Funny Shit’ tag

I’m Available For Performing Electronic Exorcisms

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As many of you know I’m a discordian pope. In addition to that I’m also an ordained minister by the Universal Life Church Monastery. With rock solid credentials like that I’m totally getting into the electronic exorcism business:

But if you truly think your electronics have been invaded by an evil spirit, there’s someone who will take your call — Reverend Joey Talley — a Wiccan witch from the San Francisco Bay Area who claims to solve supernatural issues for techies.


“Most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks,” she told SF Weekly. “So I’ll make charms for them. I like to use flora.” And when there are problems in office hardware, Talley turns to “Jet,” a black stone that serves to block energy. In extreme cases, she casts protection spells of her own over the entire company.


Talley’s services do not come cheap. She charges $200 an hour (though a phone consultation is free).

For $200.00 per hour — hell, for $100.00 per hour I’ll exorcise the daemons from your systems (at least the daemons that aren’t supposed to be there). My e-mail address is to the right of this post, feel free to contact me for your free exorcism estimate!

Written by Christopher Burg

July 21st, 2015 at 10:30 am

Brilliant Troll is Brilliant

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I love a good gag. You should think the prevalence of trolls on the Internet would result in an endless stream of hilarious gags but, sadly, it doesn’t. It seems a large number of Internet trolls prefer to just be assholes. Thankfully there are still some old school trolls out there in meatspace performing some amazing pranks:

This guy is a legend. Just a God and hero among men. Mark Gubin is an artist and photographer in Milwaukee and decades ago he realized that his studio was along the flight path to the local airport. He had the brilliant idea to paint on the roof of his studio in giant letters “Welcome To Cleveland.” Why? To mess with people mostly.

The sign is decades old, and is having new life today after being passed around Twitter. For years the sign has caused passengers on planes to freak out about going to the wrong place. There apparently was a Denver to Cleveland flight that stopped over in Milwaukee and the sign caused all sorts of confusion from passengers who thought the plane must have skipped the layover.

You, good sir, are a true hero.

Written by Christopher Burg

June 16th, 2015 at 10:00 am

The Eschaton Has Been Immanentized

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Michelle Bachmann has good news for us all. The Eschaton has been immanentized! That’s right, Jesus is coming back:

Former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) predicted in a recent interview that President Barack Obama’s handling of the Middle East was a sign of the End Times and that Jesus Christ would soon return to Earth.


But even though Bachmann lamented that Barack Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran was “pro the goals of Islamic jihad,” she said that the coming End Times were a reason to celebrate.

“These are not fearful times, these are the most exciting days in history,” she insisted. “Talk about what you see in the newspaper. We can talk about God’s time clock and the fact that Jesus Christ’s return is imminent. Is there anything more important to talk about?”

Jesus is coming back and Obama is responsible. Thanks, Obama! As A Geek With Guns exclusive I’ve also obtained a photograph of behind the scenes of the Iranian nuclear negotiations:


Written by Christopher Burg

April 16th, 2015 at 10:00 am

Rand Paul’s Worst Nightmare

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A lot of libertarians who went through the Republican nomination process in a futile attempt to get Ron Paul nominated have been pointing out Rand’s chances are basically nil. But the nomination process isn’t the only thing that may stop Rand’s campaign in its tracks. He has a wily competitor for president and that competitor has a secret weapon:

Vermin is also known for using his fairy dust to turn democratic presidential candidate Randall Terry gay back in 2012. Odds are good Rand is aware of this tactic, and that may be his motivation to keep Vermin away. In an interview this afternoon, Vermin acknowledged it’s possible that Rand fears being turned gay, and would not comment on whether he has any fairy dust in his possession, calling that a “closely held secret.” Rand better hope Vermin isn’t holding any fairy dust. He can’t afford to go gay, as he’ll lose his base of conservative homophobic anti-gay marriage supporters and thereby any shot at winning the primary.

Being turned gay by Vermin Supreme (and let’s be honest, almost any man would turn gay for Vermin Supreme) would not only end Rand’s presidential run but his political career. There are two things that will ensure the Republican Party base won’t support you: being gay or Muslim.

With that said it’s nice to see Vermin Supreme entering the race once again. He’s the only presidential candidate I’m willing to endorse. Although I’m wary of his dental reeducation camps his promises of zombie power and free ponies are needed if this nation is to rise to glory. I doubt any other candidate stands a chance against him and am willing to call it now: Vermin Supreme will be the next president of the United States (so long as Emperor Norton allows it, of course).

Written by Christopher Burg

April 10th, 2015 at 11:00 am

Professional Upbraiding

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I’m interested in getting a Beretta M9. Specially I’m interested in the new M9A3. As I was searching for information on if or when the pistol would be made available for sale to non-military personnel I came across what may be the most professional way to tell somebody to shut up and fuck off that I’ve ever witnessed:


Zing! As I’ve explained before, I carry a .45. However I don’t do so because of some delusion that the .45 is somehow superior to 9mm. I just happen to like .45 and realize that I will almost certainly never be in a situation where what determines whether or not I survive is the caliber of my handgun.

Written by Christopher Burg

April 7th, 2015 at 10:00 am

Another Positive Aspect of Indiana’s So-Called Religious Freedom Bill

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Helping me as a consumer make more informed purchasing decisions isn’t the only positive aspect of Indiana’s so-called religious freedom bill. As it turns out the men in suits in the marble building didn’t fully comprehend what religious freedom means. There are a lot of esoteric religious out there. For example, there are religions where smoking cannabis is a holy ritual:

While Governor Mike Pence (R) was holding a signing ceremony for the bill allowing businesses and individuals to deny services to gays on religious grounds or values, paperwork for the First Church of Cannabis Inc. was being filed with the Secretary of State’s office, reports RTV6.

Church founder Bill Levin announced on his Facebook page that the church’s registration has been approved, writing, “Status: Approved by Secretary of State of Indiana – “Congratulations your registration has been approved!” Now we begin to accomplish our goals of Love, Understanding, and Good Health.”

Levin is currently seeking $4.20 donations towards his non-profit church.

I’m sure the government will quickly utilize the exemption it left for itself to intervene in these kinds of matters. After all, religious freedom to most of the people involved in passing this bill means Christian freedom. And when they do utilize their exemption I’m going to trot it around like a prize pony because it will be yet more evidence that the state doesn’t care about voluntary association but loves selective discrimination.

As a side note I also want to point out that the stock image used in that article is probably the single greatest stock image I’ve ever seen.

Written by Christopher Burg

April 1st, 2015 at 11:00 am

Finntroll Trolls

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I’m not just a fan of metal, I’m also fan of the culture that surrounds metal. The culture surrounding metal tends to be very open, nonjudgmental, and chill. Think of it as the opposite of the culture surrounding the Republican Party. In addition to have a kickass culture metal also enjoys a long history of epic trolls, especially against those who would try to appropriate metal without being involved in metal. H&M recently licensed merchandise from Metallica and Slayer. Since H&M really isn’t involved in metal in any way it was almost guaranteed that it would be trolled. And it was. It was trolled hard:

Here’s what happened: H&M began selling heavy metal-themed items displaying band names like Mortus, Motmros, Blast, Grey, YVAEH, Lany, Crepuscular and more. The thing is, none of these bands actually exist, so a collective of metal fans decided to prank H&M (and in turn the rest of the world) by actually creating these bands.

They made a mock record label called Strong Scene Productions and devised biographies for the supposed bands. They even recorded some fake songs.

And just to make H&M look really bad, the pranksters made the fictional bands in question as distasteful as possible. For example, a fake bio for Lany is decorated with Nazi imagery, the cover of a supposed Motmros LP called Holocaust Tomb shows a priest being assaulted by a phallus-wielding demon, and a Crepuscular press photo shows a dude with a gun and bullets.

These bands even have some fake songs. Below, watch a trailer full of fake music, press photos and more. It’s part of a playlist with a number of fake songs, including one by YVAEH called “Vaginal’s Juice Driping into Cadaverous.”

One of the dudes who has claimed responsibility for this prank is Henri Sorvali of the Finnish bands Moonsorrow and Finntroll. He spoke with Noisey about the campaign.

Then the guy is in a band named Finntroll you have to expect some epic trolling. As a pervasive troll myself I find myself only able to tip my hat at this. It was fantastically executed.

Written by Christopher Burg

March 26th, 2015 at 10:30 am

Posted in Humor

Tagged with ,

Libertarian Sharia

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I’ve coined a new term, libertarian sharia.* Libertarian sharia states that a women should have a male escort at all libertarian events less they be hit on awkwardly by other attendees.

* I’m joking, guys. Don’t freak out.**

** Mostly joking.***

*** Eh, sort of joking?

Written by Christopher Burg

March 25th, 2015 at 11:00 am

Pro-Life Politicians Makes Best Argument Favoring Abortions

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I don’t wade into the abortion debate pool very often. Part of the reason is that I cannot become pregnant so I don’t feel as though the qualifications necessary for this debate. The other reason I avoid it is because it gets very heated very quickly. But there are times when one side makes such a good argument that I feel it is my moral duty to share it. Jonathan Stickland, a member of the Texas House of Representatives and a pro-life advocate, ironically made one of the best argument in favor of abortion:

One of the signs appeared Wednesday morning on the wall outside Rep. Jonathan Stickland’s office. It identifies the Bedford Republican as a “FORMER FETUS,” using a format similar to the plaques near most members’ doors.

Imagine if every politicians’ mother chose to get an abortion. The world would be a far better place!

Written by Christopher Burg

March 12th, 2015 at 11:00 am

Posted in Politics

Tagged with ,

Serving People as Only the English Can

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I make fun of the English a lot. But there’s one thing they’ve mastered and that’s delivering insults. Although it’s impossible for me to verify this story I want it to be true if it’s not:

The royal Land Rovers were drawn up in front of the castle. As instructed, the Crown Prince climbed into the front seat of the Land Rover, with his interpreter in the seat behind. To his surprise, the Queen climbed into the driving seat, turned the ignition and drove off. Women are not—yet—allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia, and Abdullah was not used to being driven by a woman, let alone a queen. His nervousness only increased as the queen, an Army driver in wartime, accelerated the Land Rover along the narrow Scottish estate roads, talking all the time. Through his interpreter, the Crown Prince implored the Queen to slow down and concentrate on the road ahead.

While I don’t recognize royalty anymore than I recognize any position of authority, I will give Elizabeth credit that she knows how to troll like only an English person can.

Written by Christopher Burg

February 13th, 2015 at 10:30 am