Archive for the ‘Random Funny Shit’ tag
The rider of the white horse comes forth to deliver judgement:
At least a dozen California GOP staff members at the Republican National Convention have been quarantined in their hotel rooms after becoming ill with what appears to be a highly contagious norovirus, also known as the cruise-ship virus, according to officials from both the California GOP and local health agencies.
In 2016 a wannabe commando unit was sent to a holding cell by a civilian judge to stand trial for a crime they did commit. These men promptly escaped from jail to the New York City underground by posting bail. Today, still wanted by the police, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can’t afford anybody better, maybe you can hire the B-Team.
John Cramsey’s 20-year-old daughter died from a heroin overdose four months earlier in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
He and two friends Dean Smith and Kimberly Arendt were stopped by police for driving with a cracked windscreen.
They told the arresting police officers that they were a group of vigilantes on their way to rescue a teenage girl.
I know this story is going to raise a lot of question. For starters, how did the police identify this crack commando team? Obviously they went to great lengths to be as inconspicuous as possible…
Nothing says inconspicuous like a truck with neon green tastelessly plastered all over a truck. The target reticle painted on the side is a nice touch as well. I’m sure you’re wondering what the B-Team’s load out was.
A camouflage helmet, seven guns including rifles, and knives were recovered from the car, as well as cannabis, body armour and 2,000 rounds of ammunition.
2,000 rounds of ammunition? I bet they were planning on using discount Mini-14s (Is there a discount Mini-14? Maybe, like, a Hi-Point carbine or something?) and didn’t plan to hit anything they shot at.
If you’re going to attempt to rob a bank via a threatening note, you might want to check the other side of the paper you’re using:
One side of the note given to a bank employee demanded $5,000 to $10,000 and indicated the robber had a gun and explosives, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The other side of the note contained medical appointment information for a 1-year-old — the child of Jason David Ricci, 26.
I think a slow clap is appropriate here.
Read the following quote:
There is no liberal version of Breitbart, or The Drudge Report, or Fox News.
Then realized it came from Salon.
I try to avoid politics but I’m a sucker for free ponies and time travel technology, both of which are platforms for the only presidential candidate that matters, Vermin Supreme. It brings me great joy to say that we’re closer to free ponies and time travel than ever before! Vermin Supreme was in 4th place for the Democratic Party in New Hampshire!
While other politicians were looking for photo opportunities the future overlord of Earth was busy debating one of the lesser presidential candidates:
But that’s exactly what happened to Ted Cruz, whose pit stop was interrupted by his fellow presidential candidate Vermin Supreme, who had some choice words for Cruz that he delivered with a megaphone.
For starters Supreme, who has pledged to give every American a pony, grilled Cruz on whether waterboarding water should be fluoridated and demanded that the candidate come out with his “hands up” and his “pants down.”
Supreme also asked Cruz “Why do you hate America?” before posing perhaps the most salient question of all to prospective voters:
“Will Ted Cruz give you a pony?”
Here Vermin pointed out one of the things that annoys me about the lesser presidential candidates, their unwillingness to discuss important issues. Not one of the other candidates has stated their position on fluoridating water used in waterboarding. Do they believe prisoners have a right to strong teeth or not? We have no idea because none of them have stated their position on their critical matter.
Ted Cruz has also never stated a willingness to transition the United States to a pony based economy, which leads to wonder why he does hate America so much. Fortunately Vermin Supreme is willing to fight the good fight and address the matters that actually impact our everyday lives.
I have an extremely dark sense of humor. That is why the first thing that crossed my mind when I read this:
Authorities discovered the body of a man attached underneath the ice Monday afternoon in a channel between Lake of the Isles and Lake Calhoun.
When I admitted this on Facebook the magical suggestion algorithm gave me this:
A more perfect punchline could not be made by an army of the world’s best comedians. I haven’t laughed so hard for so long in ages.
File this story under totally justified actions:
A man in Madison, Wisconsin, was arrested after he threw a beer bottle at a bartender who changed music in the bar from Black Sabbath to a Christmas tune, according to police.
I really can’t find fault with the man’s actions.
I take a great deal of solace in knowing that a lot of people are too stupid to successfully pull off any kind of meaningful attack:
WHEATFIELD, NY – The U.S. Attorney’s Office revealed new information Wednesday, regarding the investigation of a Wheatfield man accused of making and possessing homemade bombs.
The new information, was geared to persuade a federal judge that Michael O’Neill, should be detained in federal facility and not allowed to seek bail or bond.
O’Neill is accused of making at least seven bombs at his home. Two weeks ago, one of the explosives inadvertently went off inside the garage. O’Neill was the only one injured and was taken to ECMC where his left leg was amputated. He’s been there ever since.
Prosecutors are claiming Nazi, Confederacy, and Ku Klux Klan paraphernalia were found in his home, which they’re probably using to insinuate he’s a dangerous man but to me show he’s probably just an idiot. On the upside, if he did have any malicious intent it doesn’t matter since the only person he managed to hurt with his homemade bombs was himself.
Of course his survival ensures he is disqualified from receiving a Darwin Award.
John Brennan, the director of the ironically named Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), had his personal e-mail account breached, supposedly by a 13 year-old. You might not think the personal e-mail account of a government stooge would contain much interesting information but the dummy forwarded a lot of e-mail from his CIA e-mail account! Wikileaks was good enough to post his e-mails for our amusement.
Some may find it odd that a 13 year-old could social engineer the director of the CIA. But anybody who has read Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA knows that it’s titled Legacy of Ashes for a reason. The history of the CIA is the history of failure. Brennan’s failure to keep his work and personal e-mail separate and no be outwitted by a 13 year-old are just another chapter in the agency’s long, proud history of failing. In fact this failure isn’t even a blip on the radar, which includes such gems as the Bay of Pigs Invasion.
I look forward to the dirty secrets that are gleamed from this leak and the butthurt that will inevitably emanate from neocons who will cry about this leak being damaging to national security or some other such nonsense.
I’m sure a lot of you have seen that video of the bear busting up a kayak and getting pepper sprayed in the face. If you haven’t, watch it before continuing on:
This video came to my attention because several gunnies were posting it and saying variations of, “This is why I carry a gun, not pepper spray.” After watching the video though I can’t help but side with the bear.
When the video starts the bear has ceased its initial assault on the lady’s kayak. We can only assume the lady was yelling at the bear to stop and it complied. Anyways the bear is obviously coming over to say, “Hey, ma’am, sorry about that. I didn’t know it was your kayak,” only to get pepper sprayed in the face. Of course the bear backs away and is all like, “Whoa, crazy lady! What the fuck?” Then little miss hysterical tells the bear to, “Come here!” The bear, not being an idiot like the lady, keeps its distance. After thinking things over for a bit it seems to say, “You know what? Fuck you and fuck your kayak.” The bear then goes back to beating on the kayak. When the lady screams, “Why are you breaking my kayak,” I can only imagine the bear is responding with, “Because you pepper sprayed me in the goddamn face!”
I’m sorry, but the bear is totally in the right on this one. Admittedly it was doing something wrong but it stopped when told to only to be pepper sprayed for it. If anybody was the aggressor here it’s the lady.